- had a conversation that didn’t involve me sobbing hysterically
- cleaned up my stuff in the dining room even though I was literally having the panic attack from hell
- applied to a class that I really really really want to take
- tried not to worry about school?
- went to the gym
- only had one cup of coffee! and 2L of caffeine free diet coke and like a million cups of decaf tea but STILL.
and K brought my last stuff from DC today so now I have MORE BLANKETS basically I have a BLANKET MOUNTAIN.
unfortunately I have my first stress rash of the semester alllll over my arms and I haven’t even stepped foot on campus yet.
sometimes, like all the time, I really really really miss B. I honestly feel like he would give me good advice like he always did, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. and he’s the only person who has ever fucking listened to what I was actually telling him and caring about what I was actually feeling as opposed to being like, well it can’t be that bad because of X Y Z. also props for dealing with 16 year old me! but I can’t like randomly call him.
anyway I have an appointment with a new dr on thursday which is 5 days away. which isn’t that long I guess.
I wanted a drink so badly last night and that really scared me.
like I’ve only had one drink this whole summer and that’s why, it feels sooooo damn good, like probably better than klonopin* and much less effort than whatever I was up to in high school. but I know that this would destroy things.
*which obviously my dumbass psychiatrist failed to refill for me despite my explaining that I couldn’t sleep all damn summer without it and am now calling A at 1am every night basically hysterical (and also with my head about to break open because have you ever tried not to cry for half an hour) before maybe finally getting some damn sleep.