honestly I don’t know if it’s ever been this bad before. I’m kind of scared.
"Codependency isn’t sexy. It isn’t romantic. It’s built with a fuse and will surely burn out. The healthiest thing you can say to the one you love is, “I would be okay without you, and that’s why I choose to stay.”"
"Body acceptance is often more complex than just “loving your body.” It’s become really easy for healthy people (especially “body positive” feminists) to say “Love your body!” and leave it at that, but as anyone with a chronic illness will tell you, it can be downright difficult to love a body that makes you sick or actively causes you pain. Loving your body is a great goal, and while it’s great to see more women striving for it, such rhetoric often leaves people—and women—with disabilities, chronic illnesses and pain out because our bodies are already portrayed as not “normal” or beautiful enough to be worth loving, or even accepting! Loving your body on days when it confines you to bed seems counter-intuitive, and for some folks with chronic pain, it’s just not going to happen. By contrast, body acceptance can be a process of meeting your body where it is, and striving to be okay with a chronically ill body—even on bad days."
also shoutout to my friends BEN and JERRY those guys are ALWAYS there for me.
ok so today I
- didn’t kill anyone during prod
- went to a party for a little bit
- had a conversation that didn’t involve me sobbing hysterically
- cleaned up my stuff in the dining room even though I was literally having the panic attack from hell
- applied to a class that I really really really want to take
- tried not to worry about school?
- went to the gym
- only had one cup of coffee! and 2L of caffeine free diet coke and like a million cups of decaf tea but STILL.
and K brought my last stuff from DC today so now I have MORE BLANKETS basically I have a BLANKET MOUNTAIN.
unfortunately I have my first stress rash of the semester alllll over my arms and I haven’t even stepped foot on campus yet.
sometimes, like all the time, I really really really miss B. I honestly feel like he would give me good advice like he always did, even if I didn’t realize it at the time. and he’s the only person who has ever fucking listened to what I was actually telling him and caring about what I was actually feeling as opposed to being like, well it can’t be that bad because of X Y Z. also props for dealing with 16 year old me! but I can’t like randomly call him.
anyway I have an appointment with a new dr on thursday which is 5 days away. which isn’t that long I guess.
I wanted a drink so badly last night and that really scared me.
like I’ve only had one drink this whole summer and that’s why, it feels sooooo damn good, like probably better than klonopin* and much less effort than whatever I was up to in high school. but I know that this would destroy things.
*which obviously my dumbass psychiatrist failed to refill for me despite my explaining that I couldn’t sleep all damn summer without it and am now calling A at 1am every night basically hysterical (and also with my head about to break open because have you ever tried not to cry for half an hour) before maybe finally getting some damn sleep.
wearing this stupid fucking sweater in the middle of fucking august in my damn third-floor room because it makes me feel less alone